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Solving The Brexit Impasse

January 2, 2019   ·   0 Comments

Finally I have discovered a way to break the whole Brexit impasse, using technology. We all know that some want to remain at all costs and others want to leave the EU. Now they can all have what they want with the introduction of the EU “Remain band”. Created as wearable technology, in the style of a sleek blue and gold watch. In this “smart” watch – some would argue not so smart, but we are moving on from that partisanship. This amazing piece of tech will allow the wearer to have all the benefits of remaining part of the EU. Anyone who voted remain will be entitled to the watch. The only way for a Brexiteer to acquire a watch is to buy it from a Remainer, so they have to convince them to part with it. 

Imagine, just by brandishing the watch on the nearest transport for London style tap in gate, you get to continue as an EU citizen. Going to the beach? No problem, you get the nice EU environmental laws, clean beach whilst the Brexiteer will be in the bit with the washed up Herring gull, dead on the beach strangled by a disused rubber, cock-ring. The Remainer toddlers, full of the glee of hope and promise for the future, will be paddling in azure water whilst the Brexiteer sprogs will have used toilet paper from the nearby sluice sticking to their ankles.

Travelling to Spain. The Remain-Watch band-wearing families will zip through the EasyJet fast track whilst the Brexiteers will be sloshing and vomiting over the side of the cheap P&O ferry because BrexitJet doesn’t have landing rights in Marbella. But they will be on the ferry to get a car load of duty free Holsten for 25p a Can. Which they will return to the UK and still manage to sell cheaper to the Remainers than they could have bought in Magaluf. 

Need a Doctor’s appointment? The Remain-Watch gets you pre-checked by a Czech Nurse on the 8.30 “first come, first served” appointment. Meanwhile the Brexiter uses his twenty quid he made from the Duty Free tobacco to get a “single fee” appointment with an over qualified Australian Nurse who also manages to sell him a pack of Britain First lozenges for 15 quid to cure his man-flu. Still 15 cheaper than the prescription charge he pays under his Bronze standard insurance.

Then there is the secondary market in Remainer Watch Bands. Dealers and Low life will be stealing them off accident victims because no Remainers are dying of old age as those people all voted Brexit. In the darker recesses of the shadows of the apartment block -the Rees-Mogg Towers – in the overspill city of Brexitingham; dealers will hang on street corners wearing an arm full of Remainer watch bands, like some Del-Boy pastiche. Their prime market will be teenagers who read on the internet that they can have a tech-start-up in Estonia and be millionaires by next year.

In this utopian two-state solution there will be the EU M1 running a corridor for Remainers between Salford and Regent street whilst the Brexiteers use the pot-holed B6 toll-road.

If technology can solve the Irish Border crisis then it can solve the total EU Impasse.

Tomorrow, Part-Two where disillusioned Remainers get hit by the Eurozone QE crisis. A property crash eats away Mummy and Daddies equity and zero percent loan they promised to pay for Tabitha’s  Gap Year.

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